Avoidance

This afternoon I exercised for the first time since November. Yep, it's been that long—since this whole moving to Amsterdam process first got started, in fact. 

I'd been putting off this workout since we got here. When I first arrived in Amsterdam early January, I resolved to use my time at the serviced apartment by using the in-house gym. Guess how that went. Then when we moved to our permanent address, I got all excited about having the picturesque riverside a few minutes from my doorstep. I told myself every single day that I was going to run. Or at least walk. Tomorrow. Hah! Fat chance (a pun that truly applies to me at this point).

I avoided exercise with an odd, inverted determination. There were a lot of excuses, the cold being my favorite scapegoat. "When I go out in the cold, I burn more calories anyway," I told myself. E ano kayang ginagawa yung mga cold cuts and cheese sa bahay? 

Finally, today, I just went out and did it. I didn't think much about it. I just put on a Heattech top and tights plus a regular hoodie and sweatpants (a 100% Uniqlo outfit), stole Marlon's Nike GPS thingamajiggie and stuck it in my shoe, and went out.

And found what I had been avoiding all along was actually... not so bad at all. In fact, it was wonderful.

Half jogging, half walking west along the river, I discovered Beatrixpark just minutes from my house. It's a beautiful open space with long winding paths, duck ponds and large green swathes of grass. I saw lots of doggies bounding along happily, playing catch with their owners, and old ladies sitting all bundled up on park benches with their smiling faces tipped up to the sun. Because of the cold, a kind of fine mist hung in the air, making everything look soft. 

It was another "Is this really my life?" moment. I didn't feel cold at all and I didn't really care that my pace was atrociously slow. It felt that good. 

And I realized I avoid a lot of things that turn out to be less painless than I think they'll be. I think of it as the "hell week" syndrome—you know, back in college when it's the week before exams and you're terrified you're going to flunk or die, but when you're halfway into it you realize you're passing and alive and hey, it's not so bad.

Exercise is one. Housework is another. I never did housework in Singapore, ask Marlon. Getting me to do it is like pulling teeth from a baby lion. But yesterday when the sun streamed in through the windows into my house, it hit me how dirty everything had gotten in the span of a few days. And so I began vacuuming and mopping like a madwoman. I remember thinking to myself, "Hey, this really doesn't take that much time." And seeing my all-white kitchen just sparkle in the sunlight gave me a domestic thrill that bordered on perverse. Hallelujah, I have seen the light!

I also used to avoid calling clients. And it wasn't because they were difficult, I just had this strong irrational sense of not wanting to do it. It doesn't last long, maybe an hour at most; people who've worked with me always find me quick to respond and very "on." But sometimes even if I already found myself on my way to doing it, I would get a heavy, draggy feeling in my chest in those last few seconds before picking up the phone. Then we would have a normal chatty conversation, getting things done, and I would feel like myself and all fired up to work again. Weird huh?

What do you find yourself avoiding lately and why? And how does it turn out when you do get into it?