What I want to know is...

may ann, a dear dear friend from glee club, has been in a long-distance relationship for (at last count) eight years. the last time i saw may was during bamboo organ last year. i asked her how she and her boyfriend were doing, and how long it had been since they had last seen each other. "two years," she said, giggling.

another mayann, this time an officemate, has just come back from a month-long supervacation in mindoro. during a quick chat in the ladies' room, i gushed over her tan and how fantastic her long vacation must have been. "todo honeymoon ka ha!" i said. "oo nga," she sighed, "pero wala na ulit, nakaalis na."

then i asked her how often she and her boyfriend, who's based in goa, see each other. "yearly," she said matter-of-factly. "ang lungkot ano?"

so, what i want to know is: how do these women do it?

and here's another: can i do it? i'm only asking because now i know what "it" is and how hard "it" is, which i didn't know when we first decided to go for "it".

another thing i want to know is: does there exist a happy balance between the present and the future? or must every decision we make necessarily be a choice for one over the other?

help me.

Bamboo Morgan

photos taken at the ccp little theater last wednesday, during rehearsals for this year's international bamboo organ festival. acs, the philippine chamber choir and the philippine philharmonic orchestra are performing rossini's messa di gloria under the baton of miles ("smile") morgan.

among other things, of course. bamboo organ (or as rina likes to call it, bamboo morgan--very apt this year, given the name of our guest conductor) would just be totally surreal if we only had to do one piece. ha! i wish. i'm part of a smaller group of 20 that will be performing schubert's stabat mater and charles ives' psalm 90. then there are smaller groups of 7 and 10 that will be doing pieces by monteverdi and scarlatti--or scare-latti, as aggie likes to say.

bamboo organ is rather traumatic in its stressfulness. this year, thankfully, it doesn't seem to be so toxic. and the pieces are easy. or maybe we are just getting better at learning them. the first time we read through ives, i wanted to streak around naked while laughing maniacally. that or throw the piece to the floor and stomp on it like rumpelstiltskin dancing around his fire.

but--and this is how i feel about music more than any other thing--the more you learn it and grow confident in it, the more feeling you start developing for it and the better you want to be at it. so now, for example, i can actually express opinions about the ives piece, and see beautiful things in it, and not be afraid of it.

it's probably a good thing that i immortalized this thought. because if i'm really going to do what i think i've decided to do, then i'll need thoughts like that to sustain me.

---

had my first "serious" voice lesson with leslie today. serious as in 1) i paid him for it, and 2) it was done in the context of a goal. and here's how it went:

i poked a toe out of my comfort zone and realized that what i felt was ok in that zone is just not enough for the huge wild yonder outside it. so much work to be done, and so much to learn. so starting today, i will steel myself to leave behind this lackadaisical, habitual "default mode" and make more of a go-getter, let's-make-this-count effort.

now, if you'll excuse me, i have a slumber party to prepare for. tee hee.

It's been a Julia Fordham week

lyrics are abridged, with apologies to the brilliant ms. fordham.

from MISSING MAN
by julia fordham

people tell me i am strong
i might have to prove them wrong
as the cracks begin to show
i'm trying to find the strength
to let you go
missing man

do you miss me
missing man

---
from IT'S ANOTHER YOU DAY
by julia fordham

it's another you day
it's another you day
there you are
at the bus stop, by the dar

you're the music on my radio
and i can't turn you down
you're the driver on the ghost town
that's pulling me around
you are the traffic
you are everywhere

you're the star in every picture
and i'm so unrehearsed
i see you in the mirror
and i see myself reversed
you are a vision
you are everywhere

it's another you day
it's another you day
there you are
in my bedroom in the dark

i still think about you
all the time
you're always on my mind
that's okay
it's just another you day

---
from ALLELUIA
by julia fordham (feat. joe henry)

alleluia
i made it through
the day without you
just a day
another day
but i'm on my way

for a hushed sweet moment
everything made sense
and all my misplaced judgments
were awash with innocence

by the shore
near the harbor
a distant light
shines on the water
just a light
oh distant light
guide me through the night

an alleluia chorus
rang out across the waves
i have not gone the distance
but i am on my way

---

as a certain species of boy would say: "ang lupit, pare."

Cathy's wedding

our bonggacious soprano cutty walks down the aisle to the tune of the flower duet from lakme. taray! and a white carpet was rolled out especially for her trip down the aisle. wala akong masabi. (don't ask me why we call her cutty, we just do.)

cathy and vic at the altar. i really like this shot. (guido, ikaw ba to?) this is the first wedding of a friend where i actually cried. i don't know why. i didn't even cry at ayie's wedding.

at the choir loft--(L-R) elaine, me, tor in her funky grecian outfit, lorna, chris, mimi, jay, pia, mimoy, jd and papo. somewhere around are drei, aui, onyl and jonel. cutty also had a string quartet playing.

awww. they made it.

sir jojo cheering for the newlyweds. hehe.

cutty asked us to sing a couple of songs at the reception, but we turned the tables and asked her to sing with us. (am loving her bling, by the way.)

my goodness, this girl's family can sure sing. lalo na her little bro euan. he was like, "uh, first time ko kasi kumanta ng may kasamang orchestra [meaning the string quartet, LOL] kaya baka mali-mali yung timing, kaya pasensya na kayo ha" and then BOOM! he starts singing "for once in my life" by frank sinatra and turns into michael freaking buble. as in. ANG GALING NIYA.

the spurting chocolate fountain. medyo lasa siyang goya, but just the thought of all that chocolate was positively sinful. i didn't have any. REALLY.

rakets introduce you to a whole gamut of people, including some that you've known for quite a while but just lost track of. one of cathy's wedding photogs was a good old high school friend, angelo who i can't get used to calling guido. people think it strange that i have high school friends who are guys, as i studied at a nun incubator (i.e. all-girl catholic high school). well, that's me.

i love pictures like this. they look so happy, so... TGIS. LOL. or maybe TGIS the reunion. haha. note the very pregnant ayie (two weeks to go until a new acs baby is born!). i'm beside the bride in my pink-and-silver silk top and scarf from mango. the one marlon bought the last time we were together.

(haay. and that's another story.)

Make mine regular

well, what do we have here? -- 19 January 2005 Dear Deepa, We are happy to let you know that you have successfully passed your probationary employment as Copy Editor. As recommended by your immediate supervisor, your salary will {squeak closer to the minimum amount required to conduct yourself to and from work, feed yourself, and other such frivolities} effective 1 January 2005. Congratulations and we look forward to your continuing success. Yours sincerely, The Powers that Be -- ok. so basically this means: 1. i can now be given more work. 2. the government can now dig its filthy paws into a bigger portion of my salary. 3. i can now buy an indicator of residence, i.e. potted plant, for my desk, as this document negates the threat of being suddenly evicted from my workstation. it also invalidates the humiliation of juggling various personal belongings with an unwieldy terracotta pot in case said eviction were to actually take place. i'm thrilled. no, really, i am. because now i'm... well, i'm just regular. or regularized, if you want to be nitpicky about it. oh yeah. does "effective january 1" mean that i get retroactive salary this coming payday? because after all these shoes and a divine turquoise corduroy jacket from mango, i sure as hell need it.

In the works

a vacation. i plan to go and visit marlon for his birthday (march 23), which happens to conveniently fall smack dab in the middle of holy week. i have been working like a dog for the past few weeks (three! has it just been three weeks since christmas break?!?!?!) and if i don't get this leave i am going to start doing violent things. scary no? gulnar better not be reading this.

i am so, so excited. reason number one: we're going to give in to our tacky tourist urge and actually visit sentosa. as a rabid fan of the color pink, my excuse is that i want to see the pink dolphins. i don't know what my boyfriend's excuse is. that men in general do tacky things?

reason number two: marlon, the uber-nerd (as triumph the insult dog says: "made of the parts of lesser nerds") won two work-related awards recently. and they come with... 160-DOLLAR SHOPPING VOUCHERS AT ROBINSON'S AND MARKS & SPENCER! and 80-DOLLAR SHOPPING VOUCHERS AT TAKASHIMAYA! and he also got 30-DOLLAR SHOPPING VOUCHERS AT BORDERS!

sorry to shout, i am just drooling with anticipation. i, a self-confessed nerd, am in absolute heaven in huge bookstores like borders. i found robinson's a bit stuffy when i checked it out last year, but with SGD 160 at my disposal, i'm sure i can find something. and takashimaya is just plain good all-around shopping.

that's why the next thing in the works is...

a thinner me. i know, i know, isn't it always in the works? but! it will be sooooo much fun to go shopping weighing ten to fifteen pounds less. when i went to singapore last may, i ended up lugging home a sh*tload of shoes and bags. unlike clothes, they are so easy to buy when you're fat as they have absolutely no fitting issues. the day i see unsightly bulges while trying on a pair of shoes will be the seventh sign of fatima, or whatever.

speaking of shoes, another me is also in the works...

a little imelda. imelda marcos or imelda paul (my mother). doesn't matter. i am turning into a fledgling shoe freak. i bought three pairs of shoes in the last two weeks. well, four if you count the pair that i bought for cathy's wedding and returned the day after. YES, I AM A DASTARDLY CONSUMER. i bought a strappy silver pair with rather large bows and quickly realized that they would probably never see the light of day again. so i returned them the very next day and got something more functional: i.e. hot pink flip-flops that i now use when walking to the office in the morning.

i only realized that my shoe habit was becoming unhealthy when i had this conversation with my sister. she was showing me some clothes she had gotten on sale at mango.

ate: did you get anything at mango?
me: no, but i bought a pair of shoes--
ate: (cuts me off, shocked) WHAT??? ARE YOU SOME KIND OF A SHOE FREAK???

you must understand. we are a family of women who have at least a hundred shoes between them. and so for a member of my family to call me a shoe freak, i felt, was a big thing. now when my mom calls me a shoe freak i, i will seek professional help straightaway.

blog facelift. i have been feeling rather dull lately. dull as in not creative, bobo, boring. my posts could be more intelligent, my blog could visually show a little more of myself, and i could devote more time to creative pursuits that i used to have so much time for. luckily, i bumped into web guru/all around nice guy angelo jacinto aka guido at two weddings (one weekend after the other!), and he agreed to help walk me through the project.

at the rate i'm going though, it's more an crawl-through or ooze-through than a walk-through. i am currently sifting through ideas for the look and layout that i want, and checking out other blogs to get ideas. tips, suggestions and offers of help from the web-savvy of this world will be much appreciated.

a new citizenship. for only $275, i can be more indian than i currently am! i can travel to and from india without a visa (although the airfare alone is a major hurdle--it's almost as expensive as a US trip), i can own property, i can get whatever education benefits are extended to non-indian residents, blah blah blah! yes, i too can be an overseas indian citizen!

gulnar asked me a couple of weeks ago if i had a dual citizenship, and if i didn't, why didn't i?. that made me stop and think. oo nga no. why not? i poked around and found out that i can download the necessary forms online! india pa, i'm not surprised. so my sister and i are going to check it out. and who knows? this year could be the year when i acquire a new citizenship! then again, maybe not--it largely depends on whether i can spare that $275 at some point later in the year.

something. uuuy, something daw o. what it is, i cannot yet reveal to the world at large, although several friends already know. it's something i have done for most of my life and may pick up again. scary and exciting at the same time.

post about dada's baby and cathy's wedding. with milestones like these, i just can't ignore that i am getting older. haaay.

When in doubt, fill out a survey

i could actually write about a lot of good things--cathy's wedding, dada's new baby, lunch with a good high school friend who i haven't seen since grad). but it's the end of the workday and i'm totally zonked. so you'll have to content yourself with another survey.

TEN random things about me
i eat raw instant noodles
i suck on ketchup packets from mcdonald's (ONLY mcdonald's)
my name means "light"
i have always wanted to have gray eyes
i have 24 pairs of shoes (with about 9 inactive/soon-to-go pairs)
i have long toes (pia calls them fingers)
i actually like sarah geronimo
i don't eat tomatoes
i don't eat cucumbers, for that matter

NINE places i've visited (RECENTLY)
the saturday organic market at velasquez park
old spaghetti house at valero
sir jojo's house (and his sleep-inducing room)
landmark, my shopping mecca
mango at rockwell, my other shopping mecca
san fernando, pampanga
the mandarin oriental hotel
jesus delgado memorial hospital (to see dada and her new baby)
church of the gesu in ateneo

EIGHT things I want to do before I die
go diving
own a diamond
be a singer
have children (please lord let there be more girls)
learn how to cook
build a personal library
go to india (and scandinavia, and greece, and palawan)
learn photography

SEVEN ways to win my heart
give me dark chocolate (marlon has this part down pat)
show that you're not afraid of being unconventional
pray
be patient with me
allow me room to grow
have both deep and inane conversations with me about anything
cherish my quirks

SIX things I believe in
God
angels
being moral
true love
the future
my own potential

FIVE things i'm afraid of
haven't we gone over this already? i'll just add two:
ghosts
becoming a bitter/unfulfilled person

FOUR of my favorite items in my bedroom
my bookshelf
my pillows and comforter
rainbow-colored, woven square baskets where i dump my stuff
my mirror (surrounded by favorite pictures)

THREE things i do everyday
ride a tricycle
pick out accessories, a bag and shoes that match my outfit
write in my planner

TWO things i am trying not to do right now
eat sweets/carbs
slouch

ONE person i want to see right now
my boyfriend

Soul sistah

sabi na nga ba eh, i was born KSP.

You Are a Bright Star Soul

Like a shining star, you have no trouble being the center of attention. In fact, you often feel a bit hurt when all eyes aren't on you. You need to be number one in everything, no matter how trivial. And it's this ego that both hurts your confidence and helps you achieve. You're dramatic and a powerhouse of pure energy. You posess a divine quality or uniqueness that's hard to define. A natural performer, it's likely you'll become famous in some circles. Just learn not to take everyone's reaction to you so personally! Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul and Prophet Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Survey vu (have I answered this before?)

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY
Deepa
Deeps (for some reason i get weirded out when my sister calls me this. i think she only started doing so last year.)
errr... my boyfriend calls me Gorgeous (Gorge for short... how apt hahaha)

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD (screen as in online?)
deepadiva
deepsydoodle
queenwitch (goodness this is an ancient one)

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF
my eyelashes
my voice
my fingers and toes

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF
my puson
my arms
my butt

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
Filipino
Indian
Spanish

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
being widowed
falling down a flight of stairs
getting my heel caught in a grate

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS
sleep
blusher
a to-do list (or two or three)

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW
three-strand pearl necklace
white pointy-toed pumps with ankle straps
nerdy blue glasses

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS
Ateneo Chamber Singers
alicia keys
annie lennox

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS
hey ya by outkast (always puts me in a peppy mood)
hello by evanescence
annie's song by john denver

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
cooking
a cuisine that i've never tried before
traveling to malaysia or cambodia

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
(all of which i have... yay)
quiet moments
laughter
respect

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
i have kicked a dog
i have taken diet pills
i am allergic to cats

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU
arms (especially forearms... mmmm)
eyes
a nice smile (dimples can't hurt)

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO
ride a bike
keep from crying when i'm angry
pull all-nighters (i did once in college though... after three days of no sleep i started to think i was hallucinating)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES
reading
bargain shopping
drawing/making collages (wish i had more time for this)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW
shirk work
have dinner with my boyfriend
go to the beach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! waaaah!!!!

I need a drink

i have officially been served a half-day suspension for my tardiness, effective friday. (at least i can use it to go to cathy's wedding.)

it's gonna be a loooooooong week. i need a drink.

How to make a Deepa

Ingredients: 1 part pride 3 parts ambition 5 parts beauty

Method: Layer ingredients in a shot glass. Add curiosity to taste. Do not overindulge!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Nice guys Finnish last

there are some friendships that make you feel so happy for having maintained. sometimes they are with the most unlikely people.

like my finnish friend miikka. i can't believe we've been friends (long distance, email friends but friends nonetheless) for nearly four years now, without ever having seen each other since. we met four years ago at a competition in marktoberdorf, germany, which was without a doubt one of the best times OF MY LIFE. (right sir jojo? HAHA CAUGHT YOU, BLOG LURKER!!!!)

there are a lot of things that i really like about our friendship.

first, i think, is the kind of person that he is. miikka is the kind of guy who takes violin lessons, reads poetry and attempts to read dante in italian. where on earth will you find even semi-hot guys who do this? (answer: europe, apparently.) miikka is also the kind of guy who likes to (as he says) "...have a cup of coffee in a small cafe in helsinki (capital of finland) and laugh at the people who run by with a rush without realizing how relaxing it would be to sit down for a while and enjoy the moment."

awww.

i wonder if it has occurred to any of these finnish girls that this nice, quiet, unsuspecting reluctant engineering student is somekindofa renaissance man. lesson to all of us women: never ever discount the quiet guy.

second, is that in him i have found an unlikely support system for my dream. and more or less i know i am the same for him--he once printed something encouraging (or "couraging", as he puts it) and stuck it on his wall. i am inspired by our numerous email exchanges about pursuing music, by his resiliency and his quiet wisdom--phrased in his own quirky finnish-english, which he always pokes fun at.

(from his shortest email to me ever):

hi,
i got eliminated in the first stage of the audition. i feel shit.
miikka

haha! i saved this to give him a laugh when he's a famous singer. but seriously, his good sense amazes me sometimes. maybe there's something to being as quiet as the finns are.

Thank you for the couraging words. It seems to me that it has been quite often that I have needed those words and it probably will be so in the future. Someone has said that professional singing means having 10 failed auditions per each successful one. And so it seems to be! Sorry for not being very couraging now :) But I don't think I'll ever stop dreaming. And neither should you!

And also I can't think of any great artist who would have had very easy path to go. Maybe it is also that you must have suffered enough to have something to say, to be able to touch others with your music. I don't know.

Take care and keep dreaming, but do not think that you will be happier if your dream comes true. Enjoying each step towards the goal is as important as enjoying the goal itself.

third, is that i've learned quite a number of things about the finnish culture from him (or from independent study, for reasons that i will talk about later on). or about people in general. and how sometimes, they just pleasantly surprise you.

fourth, is that he's funny in his own quiet way.

Congratulations for having a boyfriend. It must have been a difficult task to find someone worth you! I hope the guy understands what he's got.

I still have no girlfriend. I don't quite understand where are they all hiding.

fifth, and perhaps most meaningful of all, is that our friendship has come to mean so much more than i first wanted it to. i'm glad that i finally gave up on trying to entrap him into some kind of weird relationship. (suddenly i remember this joke about nokia's tagline really being "nokia: making finns talk") and i'm so glad the friendship outlasted the infatuation.

besides, if i had still been gaga over miikka, i wouldn't have even noticed marlon. and what a disaster that would have been. :)

Five

hey mika, answering this was fun!

Five Things You May Not Know About My Time in School
*i had a QPI of 3.9 one brilliant semester
*i was single all throughout college
*i got a D in math from a teacher who is a very good friend
*at the start of freshman year, i was twenty pounds lighter than i am now
*i wrote someone an anonymous naughty valentine... and he found out about that i wrote it. in retrospect i realized he was totally not worth the embarrassment

Five Things You May Not Know About the Job/s I Have (or Had)
*i've interviewed lesbians, a british boy band, trauma survivors, alex compton (my favorite celeb interview to date) and *shudder* carlos agassi
*i have road-tested pickup lines (damsel in distress gets 'em every time)
*my former boss made me reserve his hotel rooms and pay his club shares
*i have had a toddler pee on me
*i have dressed up as a viet cong, complete with bullet belt and faux rifle

Five Things You May Not Know About My Online Life:
*i have five email accounts: sanriotown, yahoo, gmail and two on ateneogleeclub
*i have at least five online albums
*i am forbidden to use yahoo messenger or chikka at the office. grrrr
*my every online move while at work is monitored by the isd department. they allegedly have a record of each and every site i visit and how long i'm there. the jig is up--they know that i don't work at all! haha!
*i furtively listen to radio stations from places like aruba and mauritius

Five Things You May Not Know About Where I Live:
*i have a fuschia bedroom wall. just one. the others are white
*we have seven askals inside the house: two parents, five puppies
*there is a xerox shop, an internet cafe and a lotto outlet right outside my gate
*my neighbors are the loudest, most @#*(^$! people on earth
*at least two of my paintings are hung somewhere around our first floor

Five Things You May Not Know About My Home Life:
*i live in a household entirely of women
*three out of five of the women in my house are over the age of 50
*i lock myself in my room a LOT
*my sister and i want to give away our askal puppies but my mom doesn't want them to go. oooo conflict
*my family doesn't own a car

Five Things You May Not Know that I Desperately Want:
*to study music in europe
*to be a diva
*a new mattress
*a car
*to be at least ten pounds lighter

Five Embarrassing Fannish Admissions I Have That You May Not Know:
*i bought edward furlong's album
*i bought aerosmith's "get a grip" album (classic!) just because edward furlong was in their "living on the edge" video
*i used to write "short stories" that featured me and my celebrity crushes
*i jumped over the fence to the expensive seating section at a bon jovi concert
*i once asked for eric fructuoso's autograph. he is now married to a high school friend of mine.

Five Things You May Not Know About What I Do in a Typical Day:
*i set my alarm extra early so i can have the satisfaction of going back to sleep
*i buy taho on the street almost daily
*i have a ten-minute stroll to the office
*i make my own lunches (salad ingredients in the office ref)
*i wrestle with someone-or-other's bad english

A new day

i was blog-hopping and saw this title on another person's post today. sorry to be unoriginal, but "a new day" somehow stirs more hope and anticipation in me than "a new year." maybe the latter has been overused in the past few days.

the best thing is, it's a new day every day.

--

three words that marlon and i will be repeating to ourselves (and each other) a lot this year: make it count.

--

i just received fifteen minutes of the most sensible, inspiring, thought-provoking, well-timed and opportune advice that i will probably ever receive from anyone. off the top of my head i don't remember getting talked to like this by anyone but my mother.

i wish i'd had a notepad or a recorder or time to absorb everything. but the grindstone is reaching for me with surprising ferocity. i want to get home so i can mull over the advice i've received. damn work and groceries.

but, at any rate: thanks, cousin.

--

my dad died twenty-two years ago today.

crazy thought: i felt that my dad was looking out for me somehow. i needed that talk. and maybe i needed to feel someone looking out for me, to feel that even with my delusions of independence someone feels responsible for me.

crazy thought.

--

marlon flew back to singapore yesterday, and my beige shoes from DMK gave out today.

on the other hand, it was a beautiful january day when i stepped out of the office for a solitary lunch. anyone who has ever noticed the particular charms of january in this country will know what i mean. strong, cool breezes left over from christmas, and blue skies and warm sunshine that let you know summer is just around the corner.

would that each new day looked and felt like this one. maybe it would be easier to deal with life's disasters, small or tremendous, real or imagined.