To do or not to do

like rina, i love making "to do" lists. i have monthly, weekly and sometimes even several-times-daily "to do" lists. i have yearly and lifetime "to do" lists.

during the summer before my senior year in high school, i even made a four-year "to do list"-slash-plan for my life. it had things like "design the fair t-shirt" (1999), "join the ateneo glee club" (1999) and "forget *ex* if still not committed" (haha! 2000), all of which i got to do. it also had things like "learn to drive" (1999) and "pull at least 3 As per sem" (2000), which i didn't.

looking back, it wasn't so much the doing as the imagining and the direction-setting that was important. writing that list made me feel like i was going somewhere. while i might have just inadvertently accomplished some of the things on the list (for example, forgetting the ex was preceded by my being dumped, which i had most certainly not intended), looking back at it gave me a sense of accomplishment, a sense that i was indeed making my own way in this world -- my own, and nobody else's.

so it really bothers me that i haven't made a "to do" list for 2006, like rina has. i haven't made it because i can't bring myself to do it -- i don't know what to put in it. and that's because the thing that i feared would happen when i started this job has, indeed, happened.

which is -- i'm confused. really, really confused. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do with the rest of my life, which believe it or not directly affects what i'm going to do this weekend, or next week, or the week after.

i knew i was going to face some pretty big decisions this year. but i didn't know facing them was going to be this hard.

wish me luck.

ps- this doesn't end my string of india posts. i'll get back to them. just needed to get this out of my system.