Domesticity disturbed

"When God hands you a gift, he also hands you a whip; and the whip is intended solely for self-flagellation."

-- Truman Capote

ok God. the whip is being put to good use. i'm still waiting for the gift.

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i didn't make it to mediacorp. that was ok. i figure if i don't get a job here, it's for a good reason. i was ready to take it as a sign that i'm really meant to go back home and concentrate on what i first set out to do. and i've expressed several times to several people that i'm not ready to live here yet.

so i told marlon that i was actually fine with it. i told him something like mediacorp wouldn't depress me. what would depress me, i added, was if all my prospects at home fizzled into thin air. call it overconfidence, but i had a couple of things that i figured i would be a shoo-in for.

one is a behemoth of a company that takes ages to move, and in which i have a wonderful close friend who's been pimping me like crazy. for all his frenetic pimping, however, he has yet to prod the slow-moving behemoth to life. there are a lot of places for me to apply in that company, so its also a matter of finding the right opening at the right time.

it's just moving really slowly. like a rhino on massive doses of prozac, carrying an elephant on its back to boot. at least i hope that's it. i don't think the behemoth is lost to me forever, or has scampered away from me without my knowledge. or maybe i don't want to face the fact that it has. i don't know.

the second has built up my hopes and dashed them several times before. they've done it again. i seem to be such a cookie-cutter fit for them, but somehow the doors are always shut to me for one reason or another. if i'm not too pushy, i'm not pushy enough. if i'm not frothing at the mouth with desire, i'm too eager-beaver. if i'm not too ditzy, i'm not ditzy enough. things like that which sometimes seem arbitrary to me.

this particular company's rebuffs take a toll on my pride because i see people getting in, whom i know and perceive myself to be equal if not superior to in capability. (yes, mayabang ako. but i know what how competent i can be in a work setting and what i'm capable of.) so i don't know what this particular company is looking for. at this moment, its simply something i am not. i have to live with that. and i will.

i haven't played all my cards yet, so i'm not completely devoid of prospects. i am yet to meet up with someone here who might be able to swing something for me. and i knew i was getting back into this game, setting myself up for this, when i left my job. i left behind some things that i'm utterly glad i don't have to deal with anymore. i just exchanged those things for another set of i'd-rather-not-deal-with-its.

it's just that... i see things fizzling and it's knocked a good deal of wind out of my sails. i just want to burrow into the covers and not do anything, although doing so will inevitably let in questions like "what's wrong with me?" -- which i know i don't deserve.

i'm lucky to be here with marlon and enjoying the comfortable trappings of life here. at home dealing with this would be so much worse. here are a dozen mind-numbing things i could do, all expenses paid to boot. here is a pool and gym and wifi and sundeck and jacuzzi and video games. here are newspapers with no headlines as upsetting as the political crap we have to deal with at home. here is a man who loves me and showers me with affection.

so i guess being here is the gift, in a way. it just makes me feel better to hope that maybe, just maybe there is a bigger one on the way for me.

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to jayred, and whoever else was looking forward to hearing about my newfound domestic goddess-hood: i'll get back on track with my kitchen exploits. promise. :-)